Today I realized something big. I’ve been relying on other people more than God. I’m sitting here wondering why I’m so sad and feel so alone and honestly just discouraged. Truth is, I’ve been pretending, I’ve been putting on this face like my life is perfect and college is everything I ever dreamed it would be. And yes, somedays it is like that but there have been a lot of days like today this semester and I didn’t realize why until today. I’ve kinda been just going through the motions, waiting for the next high point in my life to come. What God has been teaching me (even though I’ve ignored him quite a few times) is that I will only experience His goodness and joy in this broken, lifeless world is by being in constant communication with Him. I honestly can’t remember in the last weeks a time where I just stopped and went after God in prayer. I’ve been so consumed by this weight of sadness and loneliness on my life that I just stopped listening to God.
Psalm 34:17-20 “When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears and delivers them out of all their troubles. The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all. He keeps all his bones; not one of them is broken.”
People disappoint, people make you feel lonely, people hurt you, people cancel on you, people can make you feel not okay. These last six weeks have been so hard on my emotions and that’s all because I haven’t once, given my sadness, my weakness, my heartbreak, my loneliness to Jesus.
This semester for me has been very strange and I have spent a lot of it feeling low and sad and just burdened. I don’t think I have expressed it at all and writing is my outlet so sorry if this feels more like a rant or something. But I’ve spent a good amount of these last weeks waiting for something to change, waiting for my friends to make me happy again. But the reality of it is, they can’t do that, and waiting? it doesn’t help anything apart from prayer. See, I had been searching in all of the wrong places to find this belonging and peace and joy again and those things are only found in Christ. I’ve been basing all of my emotions on what this world is making me feel. And yeah, that feeling is sad because people are broken and this culture is broken and those things will always leave you with that empty feeling that I’ve been having. All of these things that I want to feel aren’t going to happen unless I give this sadness and loneliness to Jesus. I want to be happy, I want to be encouraging, I want to be lifting people up, I want to feel loved, and have community but unless I am allowing Jesus to work in my heart, how am I going to feel any of those things? I WON’T. PEACE CAN ONY BE FOUND IN CHRIST. When your sin was paid for on that cross, everything changed. And that’s something I need to really remember right now. I’ve got to stop putting all of my stock in this world. Yes, friends are good, people are good, places are good but nothing can take the place of Jesus in this equation. I’ve tried and and it doesn’t work, folks.
John 14: 27 “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.”
So today. I’m taking a serious look at my heart. Jesus is the only thing that can change my heart right now. Jesus is the only thing that
you taught my feet to dance upon disappointment.